why appreciating small changes creates bigger relationship growth

last time we discussed the importance of practicing appreciation for healthy relationships.

of course, like many relationship skills, it’s not always easy to execute. so this time, we are going to focus on the execution aspect.

here’s a common challenge i see in my work with couples (parents too!).

when your partner starts making changes you’ve been asking for, it can be surprisingly hard to see and appreciate those changes.

it’s easy (automatic really) to focus on what’s still missing, but doing so risks sending the message that even their efforts to change aren’t good enough.

this is where celebrating the glass 15% full comes in.

the importance of rewarding small changes

what happens when you notice and celebrate even small steps in the right direction?

you create motivation for your partner to keep trying!

even if they’re only meeting 15% of your needs right now, recognizing and appreciating that effort builds trust and momentum toward bigger changes.

now, this doesn’t mean ignoring what’s still painful or pretending that everything is perfect.

it’s about holding two truths at once: acknowledging that things aren’t where you want them to be while also genuinely celebrating the progress that’s being made.

here are some more thoughts on creating a culture of appreciation from the gottman institute.

the challenge of letting go of past hurts

appreciation can be especially difficulty under the weight of past disappointments, hurt, or frustration.

when you’ve been hurt or let down repeatedly, it makes sense to keep your guard up rather than take the risk of acknowledging and trusting the changes your partner is making.

but staying in this protective stance comes at a cost to you.

it creates a barrier between you and our partner, making them feel like their efforts are pointless – ironically, stifling the very changes you’ve been asking for!

choosing vulnerability

ultimately, this is about a choice: do you stay protected or do you take a courageous step toward connection?

letting yourself take in the changes your partner is making doesn’t mean you’re erasing past hurts.

it means you’re allowing yourself to notice the present and respond to it.

it can feel risky to appreciated progress when you’re afraid it might not last. but often, that appreciation is exactly what helps ensure the progress continues.

final thoughts

next time you notice your partner making even a small effort to change, try leaning into gratitude.

name the effort. thank them for it. let them know it matters to you.

yes, it’s okay to want the glass to be fuller. but in the meantime, celebrate the 15% that’s there – it will help the rest of the glass fill up faster.

wishing you much relational refreshment,

donald