let’s jump right in.

conflict is fertilizer for relationships.

it’s necessary and healthy.

now, that being said, intensity matters.

let’s consider the story of goldilocks and the three bears as a reference point.

if you recall, the primary lesson of the story is to not naively invade the home of others and use their private property as if it were your own.

couldn’t help myself 🙂

in all seriousness, the important element of goldilocks, as it relates to relational conflict, is there is a “just right” amount.

too much conflict = relationship failure

too little conflict = relationship failure

just the right amount of conflict = relationship success

NOTE: this is true for any relationship, not just romantic relationships.

benefits of conflict

turns out there are lots of benefits to conflict, but in the spirit of brevity, we’ll keep it to four:

1. stronger connection: successfully resolving conflicts can bring you closer together. when you weather storms as a team, you build trust, resilience, and a sense of solidarity that strengthens your bond.
2. deeper intimacy: vulnerability is key to navigating conflict effectively. as you share your thoughts, fears, and vulnerabilities with another person, you deepen your emotional intimacy and create a safe space for authentic connection. vulnerability is where connection happens.
3. personal growth: i clearly recall my couples therapist saying, “the relationship isn’t the problem, it just reveals the problem within you”. mic. drop. your own reactivity serves as a trailhead to something within you that needs your attention, making any relationship an ideal container for personal growth.
4. clearer boundaries: conflict often arises when boundaries are crossed or misunderstood. through conflict, you clarify and reinforce your boundaries, fostering mutual respect and understanding in your relationship.

ACTION ITEM:

collect some conflict data on yourself this week.

here are some suggested data points:

trigger: situation or circumstance

reaction: what thoughts and feelings did you experience, and how did you react?

outcome: what was the impact of your reaction (action)?

here’s a tracker: 3 column conflict tracker.pdf​

wishing you a week of “just right” conflict,

donald