the skill of receiving feedback

in the previous post, i introduced a powerful tool for effective communication in any relationship: the feedback wheel.

this week we’ll focus on receiving feedback.

one speaker, one listener

one of the biggest barriers to effective communication is the inability to truly listen.

too often, conversations suffer because both people are trying to speak at once.

this is one of the most common issues i see when couples come to me for help – they both act as speakers, and neither takes the role of the listener.

but when it comes to giving or receiving feedback, there must always be one speaker and one listener.

let’s explore how to take on the role of the listener effectively.

4 STEPS

1. COMMIT: when you’re the listener, commit fully to that role. don’t spend your listening time crafting a response or defending your position. just listen. if you feel the need to respond, ask yourself if it can wait until the appropriate moment.
2. UNDERSTAND: listen with the goal of understanding. start by repeating back verbatim what you heard, without interpreting or altering their words. this ensures that you’ve understood the speaker’s message accurately.
3. ACKNOWLEDGE: show that you understand what the speaker has expressed, both verbally and non-verbally. acknowledging their message validates their experience, helping to build trust and connection in the conversation.
4. RESPOND: when it’s time to respond, do so generously. this means offering what you can—whether it’s what they’ve requested or simply thoughtful words of empathy, support, or encouragement—without expecting anything in return.

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

here’s an example of how this might look in practice:

“i heard you say that last tuesday we had a meeting scheduled for 9am, but i didn’t arrive until 9:20am. you told yourself i don’t care about your time, and that made you feel disrespected. i can understand how that would feel disrespectful, and i’m sorry. i am committed to being on time in the future, and if i’m running late, i’ll text you to let you know.”

FINAL THOUGHTS ON EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

effective communication relies on both speaking and listening, but true listening is often overlooked.

by committing to your role as the listener and practicing these four steps, you’ll strengthen your ability to receive feedback in a way that fosters trust, connection, and growth in any relationship.

whether it’s with a partner, friend, or colleague, receiving feedback well is the foundation for deeper, more meaningful conversations.

wishing you well this week,

donald

p.s. if you’d like to dive deeper into communication, here’s a link to more resources on helpguide.org