where are you in your relationship?
September 3, 2024
here’s a relationship tool in the form of a question:
“where am i?”
as a couples therapist and coach, this is the first and most important skill i teach – relational mindfulness – as all other skills will fail if you are not in the right “location”.
in other words, this is the primordial skill of all skills.
in the model i use, we use the terms adaptive child and wise adult as a way to locate yourself in any given moment.
recently, however, i came across a nifty leadership video from THE CONSCIOUS LEADERSHIP GROUP that teaches the same principle using slightly different language.
are you above or below the line?
the folks at the conscious leadership group answer the question of “where am i?” with “above the line” or “below the line”, based on the following characteristics:
ABOVE THE LINE:
- curious
- open
- committed to learning
- abundant mindset
- playful
BELOW THE LINE:
- need to be right
- closed
- defensive
- scarcity mindset
- serious
ACTION ITEM: this week, when you find yourself in relationship with someone else, ask yourself “where am i?”
if you’re above the line, you’re in a great relational position.
if you’re below the line, meet this with some curiosity, then work on getting back above the line.
secondary tools for relationships
here are my go-to’s when i find myself below the line:
- encouraging self-talk to reposition myself
- remembering my values (e.g. kind, loving)
- redirect my attention
- take a break from the relationship
that’s it.
wishing you a week filled with relational success,
