thanks for showing up for yourself.
this is an additional layer to the post about relationship boundaries – check it out.
the relationship boundaries vlog introduces “the boundary question”, which is this:
“is what i’m doing (in the relationship) being considerate of the other person AND myself at the same time?”
when you answer “yes, yes” to this question you will be establishing good boundaries, more often.
a caveat to the boundary question is when our answer is focused on emotional outcomes ONLY.
which is a serious challenge as our default is to set boundaries based on predicted emotional outcomes (largely subconscious).
in other words, you typically do or say something in a relationship to avoid upsetting the other person (considerate of them) or maybe you do something to avoid being upset yourself (considerate of you).
but you miss the win-win when you are only focused on emotional outcomes.
let’s take the situation of talking to somebody who has a piece of spinach stuck in their teeth.
if you say something, it’s going to embarrass them and make you feel awkward (two bad emotional outcomes) but it’s what’s best for the relationship in the long run.
after the embarrassment and awkwardness subside, they are going to respect you for respecting them, and having the courage to say something.
they will trust you more.
TAKEAWAY: controlling emotional outcomes is not always best for the relationship.
this is often the case when it comes to relationship conflict.
conflict generally has “bad” emotional outcomes for both people HOWEVER is necessary for building trust and strengthening bonds.
without conflict you cannot grow a healthy relationship.
so you need to shift your focus away from feelings (that doesn’t mean be inconsiderate) and make your intention the focus in the relationship. (e.g. to be kind, to be considerate, to be compassionate)
what to do
again, we harm our relationships when we only focus on emotional outcomes.
to counteract this, routinely ask yourself:
“what do i want to bring to this relationship?”
“how do I want to show up in this relationship?”
then do it.
relationships are not like tying a shoe or making a sandwich.
you cannot arrive at a destination of “completed”.
relationships are continuous and constantly evolving – it’s their nature.
there is no such thing as outcomes in relationships, only phases, or iterations, or seasons.
even if you’ve lost a loved one, you are still in a relationship with them.
check your experience.
so it’s not the outcome of the interaction that matters, it’s what you bring to the relationship that will be enduring.
stay on it.